Valentine’s Day is coming up and this year we all have to come up with ways to celebrate at home. You want to make the perfect meal for your Valentine but the recommendations of what to make are endless. Instead of giving you ideas of easy meals to impress, allow us to walk you through 3 dinners that will absolutely ruin any chance of romance or further Valentine’s Day niceties. We repeat. Do not for any reason what so ever make these meals. Don’t do it.

 

Gluten Free Cauliflower Mac and Cottage Cheese
This is an easy keto inspired dish that substitutes any actual flavour or fun, with horrible things like vegetables and curdled dairy alternatives. For starters, serving your Valentine date Mac and cheese should, alone, be enough to end that evening right there at the dinner table. But if your date is stubborn like a rented mule and still sticks around this recipe pulls out all of the disgusting stops and really hammers down on the gastro discomfort pedal. Imagine sitting your date down at the table with no candlelight because you’re too cheap, and looking them in the eyes and saying, “I made you my mother’s classic cauliflower and mac and cottage cheese casserole.” If that’s not enough to get him or her out the door, the gas buildup incurred from eating this dish should be able to propel them right through it. This is a dish made to ruin dinner, as well as the rest of your evening as the human body is not designed to handle the intestinal skirmish that cauliflower and cottage cheese will bring to the party.

 

Curried Pad Thai
Now you may have read that and said “but curried pad thai is delicious” and you’d be right. It is delicious. It’s borderline orgasmic. However, all of that becomes irrelevant when you swap out the requisite chili peppers with oh, I don’t know…maybe GHOST PEPPERS? If you’re in a hurry to end things on Valentines day, adding a little (a lot of) spice to this dish may be exactly what you’re looking for. Sure your date may wonder why you’re in the kitchen wearing a haz-mat suit while preparing dinner, but you don’t have to answer that question. This is Canada and your right to privacy trumps any silly question about your food preparation.
Once dinner is served all you need to do is wait across the room until their point of realization, when the steam is coming out of their eyes and ears and say “perhaps I added a little too much pepper.” Your date will appreciate your attempt at humour while they’re trying to point the fire extinguisher into their mouth. Another successful valentines’ dinner.

 

9 Bean Salad
Unlike our previous selections, a 9 bean salad lays all of its cards directly on the table. It lets everyone know that you mean business Buster. Going with this selection signifies that a) you don’t give a hoot about what you’re serving for valentines day, b) you don’t care what your date thinks about your dinner choices and c) you care nothing for the after-effects that lay in wait for both parties.
Going with something as bold as an entire plate of beans for dinner tells your date that you’re here for the farts and abdominal discomfort and you don’t care who knows it.
Going with a bowl full of fibre means the intent of your dinner selection is crystal clear and this in turn may lead to a Mexican standoff where both of you find yourselves locked in a battle of wills. You will find yourselves scarfing down forkfuls of beans while wearing a delightfully forced smile. “This is so good” and “I love beans so much” are phrases you should not expect to hear. For added effect, make sure the windows are locked.

 

Instead of making your own meal at home, how about you order some delicious local eats? Ottawa has so many amazing local spots to order takeout for just yourself or whoever you’ll be spending February 14th with. Many locations are offering fantastic meals for two for pick up Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Order ahead. Show your love for local Ottawa restaurants.